A Moment with Sophie in Paris in 2020

What if I just sat here all afternoon under this jazz music and red-light-memory and reflected on how much has changed…

This weekend, I came across this journal entry that I wrote in the back pages of my copy of “Blinking Red”. So, here is a little something to recall Sophie in 2020 in Paris and the changes that have happened since then. To start with, so thankful that the pandemic ended!

I am a brunette

All of a sudden, I’m a brunette. In a café, not far from where I got my haircut. St-André-des-Arts. Drinking a café allongée and the cute man with white hair gave me a lemoncello maybe because I said the Tarte Tatin was delicious and maybe because we are receiving some news at 20h tonight. This may be the last time that I can have one for a while in a restaurant café. This feels like the true me – writing in a café in Paris, brown hair, inspired by the lights around me and the people in front of me who are also doing work in this quiet café. All of a sudden, I don’t care about writing in this book because that is how much I need to write in this moment. Before, this would have bothered me. Before, I might not have allowed myself the simple spontaneity, but why not? We may get another lockdown tonight. I drank a glass of red wine, and it has already made me be more emotional, more gentle more willing to lean into my feelings about this place. Which is that the ambience is exactly what you want from a café – quaint, dark wood tables, red walls, tile floors, yellow lights. I feel like I could be nestled inside someone else’s coat in this atmosphere.

I do have Dad‘s Duke basketball coat here which is not quite pretty enough for Paris, but it has served me so far and will until I get a new one and take this one home to him. I realize that I didn’t hang it on the coat hanger when I could have. I could set it there now, but now is too late as I am leaving soon. I met another American here a few moments ago. She is studying in London. I asked her how she was in France without a visa, and she has a French lover, like I want. She was from California and we exchanged numbers. I wanted to tell her that I was blonde until a few hours ago because I have a desire sometimes to be truthful. I mean, I am truthful, but sometimes one can be strategic with it. This exterior change does a lot for me because I can be new here, no one knows me and I didn’t really feel blonde anymore. I didn’t feel like putting in the effort for blonde anymore. That may be a result of the pandemic on my mind.. my fatigue, but also brunette and chin-length hair is so chic in Paris. I felt inspired to try a different look and it is fun to change. This is the shortest I have ever cut my hair and it feels wonderfully light.

This change might not seem like much, but it is a lot, and I am working on being more comfortable with change. I think I already am – at least much more comfortable with change than I have been with stagnation or lack of change. Because these last few days I felt very stagnant, lonely, and fell into a depression. I was lonely, it was rainy, and I fell into watching YouTube videos for entertainment, and fell into eating past my hunger level and that all felt terrible. It may feel a good deal self indulgent to get my hair done and buy a fancy café lunch in Paris, but it seems to be making a world of a difference. The romance here is enchanting me. I hope to hold onto these moments and re-create them – with my writing, even if we do go into confinement. I can’t let myself fall into a depression like that ever if we are really confined. I’m enjoying this moment right now and writing so quickly that it may not be at all legible, but I still love it.

What if I just sat here all afternoon under this jazz music and red light and tucked away from the world and wrote over every word in this book… Not to say that I didn’t like the book because it was very informative, but because I think that might be interesting to do, but I can’t do it… Something in me won’t allow myself to write over the words of another.

Some things move quickly and others slower and I am learning to be okay with that. Be gentle and forgive myself when I fail and then move on. I.e. resilience. Now the Café workers are sitting down and talking and it is all very cute. I wish I could think of a better way to describe it than that, but honestly what is better than cute?

I should have brought my journal with me.

Fin.

Change and Constancy

As much as that version of myself felt like me, I feel equally like my true self now. Even with my hair longer and blonder :)

Lots has changed for me and for many since 2020. I am now married, living in a new place, pursuing new work. And working on more writing to share with you on all of this!

On the other hand, lots has stayed the same! My passions are a through line. I am still comfortable with change and so so happy in my relationships. I still love writing and reflecting.

Reflection prompt: In what ways have you changed since 2020? What are the through lines of your character, your interests, your practices? What are the qualities that are consistent in you, no matter how much change you experience?

Merci beaucoup for reading ✨

Sincerely,